


My Mom Sold Me To Vernum

by OhNuts



Category: NOD Fandom
Genre: Beach Episode, Complete crack, Crack, Eggs, Fluff, JUST, Laying Eggs, M/M, Mpreg, Smut, Vernum is fuckin tall, four kids, he smonkin, im sane i promise, im so sorry, im sorry im flavor blasted, just trust me, like a lot, lots of cussing, many words for dick, maybe smut idk, movie date, my mom sold me, sci-fi movie time, u cant change my mind, vernum is a pothead, vernum is like 7’10, vernum x reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24265582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhNuts/pseuds/OhNuts
Summary: “V-Vernum!” I hollered while walking down the stairs. “It smells like a skunk died in here! What’s going on?”Vernum looked over towards where I was standing at the foot of the stairs, a glossy look overtaking his eyes as a slight scowl appeared on his face. “Damn bitch, you don’t even know what weed smells like? No wonder you were so cheap.”I stared in disbelief as Vernum took a fat fucking bong rip. It was insane. Like completely bonkers. “This is gonna be a long night...”
Relationships: Perlis/Reader, Vernum/Perlis, Vernum/Perlis/Reader, Vernum/Reader, cetravus/reader
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

I woke up to a beautiful morning, The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and my mom was shooting up heroin in the living room with a cooking show playing on TV. Just an average day for me, Y/n

I got up and threw my hair into a messy bun, or, at least I WOULD have if I didn’t shave it off last night because of a dare. I rub my shiny smooth head to make sure its clean and throw on a hoodie before going into the kitchen to grab a snack. 

My mom, if I should even call her that, looked at me from where she was sitting on the couch. “Ay ya brat go pack your shit up bruh.”

“What? Why?” I asked, pouring a bowl of off brand lucky charms. 

My “mom” huffed before turning her attention back towards her heroin and her show. “Just do what I say ya brat, I’ll explain later. Gordon Ramsay is talking.” She was completely entranced by the show now, shooting up heroin as if it was muscle memory.

“O..kay....” I dragged on. I took my bowl of cereal to my room and began packing up my things. I had a VSCO type of room, so there wasn’t much to pack. I went through a VSCO girl phase, but I’m way past that now. In fact, I’m totally emo and I love Panic! At The Disco teehee. I’m so goth :3

Moving on, as I finished packing my bags, the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” my mom said uncharacteristically. I just know something is up.

I heard a muffled conversation between my mom and some.... guy. The voice sounded oddly familiar, but I just couldn’t quite place where I knew it from. I grabbed my bags and started to open my door just as my mom called me into the living room.

And there he was.

He wasn’t an ordinary human, you could tell from his height alone. He looked to be almost 8 feet tall, which was super surprising. My eyes widened in shock as I could finally remember who he was.

“....Vernum...?” I questioned, not even believing it to be him. My mom seemed delighted at the fact that I knew his name.

“Oh good! you already know each other! This kind man has decided to finally take me up on the offer of buying you! I need money for my heroin and we just so happened to have met at book club!”

“Yes, indeed,” Vernum spoke, nodding along with what my mother was saying. “Reading 50 Shades of Gray truly opened my eyes.”

My mom nodded and gave a slight chuckle. “Haha, I think the same way!” Then she looked back at me, her whole demeanor changing. “Now listen, ya brat. He owns you now, and be nice to him and do whatever he wants. Put your shit in the car and leave.” She looked back towards Vernum one last time, her face softening. “I hope she’s up to your standard, Vernum,” she smiled.

He looked me up and down, his eyes squinting slightly. “I hope so too.”

She can’t be serious. Like.. nah. This isn’t real. It can’t be. I’ve only heard of this in One Direction fanfics. Nah my mom wouldn’t sell me for heroin that’s insane.

However, my thoughts were cut short as I was pushed out of the door by Vernums hand on my back. I felt dazed and confused as I put my bags in his trunk and started to sit in the back seat, not entirely sure he wanted me to sit next to him.

“What are you doing? Sit in the passenger seat like a normal person,” Vernum said before starting the car. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

-

It’s as bad as I thought. As soon as we pulled up to Vernums giant ass house, he gave me a giant list of things to do and clean. It took me hours to clean the house, and even when I was finally finished, he told me to redo everything. He’s... Insufferable! This is torture! I don’t care how handsome he looks when he’s telling me to redo the cleaning, it sucks!

Though, he is really handsome. Like, REALLY really handsome. Thank god I’m legal because that ass is aboutta make me act UP.

After cleaning for what felt like 20 hours, I finally went up to my room to unpack and decorate it. It had a large, nice bed and a desk in front of a large window. There was a large bookshelf filled to the brim with books. There were books that ranged from The Cat In the Hat to book about cognitive research. Some books were even in languages I have never heard of.

I put up some fairy lights and put all of my clothes in the closet and laid down on the bed, feeling exhausted. Just as I was about to pass out, my stomach made sounds that reminded me of a beluga whale. “Ughhhhh I have to get uuuuuup and get fooooood....” 

I rolled out of bed, rubbing my eyes and putting up the hood on my hoodie as I left my new room and went downstairs. 

As I made my way to the kitchen, my nose started tingling with an awful smell. It kind of reminded me of the smell of strawberries mixed with gasoline and a bit of skunk. It smelled both familiar and awful, but I didn’t like it one bit.

“V-Vernum!” I hollered while walking down the stairs. “It smells like a skunk died in here! What’s going on?”

Vernum looked over towards where I was standing at the foot of the stairs, a glossy look overtaking his eyes as a slight scowl appeared on his face. “Damn bitch, you don’t even know what weed smells like? No wonder you were so cheap.”

I stared in disbelief as Vernum took a fat fucking bong rip. It was insane. Like completely bonkers. “This is gonna be a long night...”

I tried to be as fast and as quietly as I could be and sneak some food back to my room to avoid the stench of his smoke sesh. However, as I turned to leave the kitchen with a bowl of ramen, it appeared that Vernum had other ideas. 

Now that he was closer to me, I could see that his eyes were very red. He seemed much more calm and aloof than normal, which didn’t help with my semi-crush on him. It also didn’t help that I was practically dick height on him. I lowkey wanna hug him right now. Not because I want to press my face into his dick, that’s gross haha no I’m just a huggy person haha.

He was leaning on the doorframe, his hands crossed as he looked me up and down for the second time today, his this time, he didn’t seem so serious and secluded. I just can’t figure out what he’s thinking. “Give me that ramen.” Well, I guess I don’t have to figure out much.

“Why should I? I made it myself, and I’m starving!” My stomach growled as if it was agreeing with me. His eyes were half open and a small frown was on his face. 

He tried to grab the bowl out of my hands, but I moved it out of the way just in time. “What the fuck why are you so fast,” he mumbled under his breath, reaching again for the bowl and failing again.

“I’m not fast, you’re just slow,” I taunted, trying to think of a way out of this situation. However, he didn’t like my answer very much and, as I was distracted, grabbed my bowl of ramen out of my hands and fucking ate in in one mouth full. Damn daddy what that mouth do.

“...Fuck... My ramen...” I pouted. My stomach growled again in defeat. “...What am I gonna eat now?”

“Th d c .” Vernum mumbled, looking away and putting the bowl in the sink to be washed later.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” 

“This dick.” Vernum said it with his whole chest, seemingly no where near embarassed.

I blushed, backing away towards the door. “Wh-Wh-What?!?!”

“Be honest, don’t act like I haven’t seen the way you’ve been looking at me. I know you wanna suck this monster cock. My magnum dong. My humongous dick.” I love me a straightforward man, even if he was high.

“I-I mean...” I looked away, touching my fingertips together. I was shy. I didn’t think he would just tell me to suck his huge fucking cock when we were just standing in the kitchen. “...If you want.....” 

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the living room. Between my hunger and wanting to devour his shmeat, I had totally forgot it smelled like weed in here. “I totally forgot it smelled like weed in here.”

“Wanna try it?” He questioned with a straight face. He pulled a freshly rolled blunt out of his ass and handed it to me. “¿Quieres?” 

Shit, man, you only live once. I took a hit and my eyes started watering from how much smoke I inhaled. “Bruh you have to breathe out, too.” Oh shit I forgot.

After a few more hits and shit, I started to feel dizzy and giggley. 

“Ah, forgot you’re a lightweight,” he mumbled as I started to slightly rock back and forth with a smile on my face.

“Who cares Vermum!” I giggled, taking another hit. “Just kiss me!” 

“Yeah, no, you’re fucking gone. No more for you,” he said as he plucked the blunt out of my hands.

I pouted and looked at him as he looked away from me to do some more weed shit that I’ve never seen before.

“Now what?” I asked, not knowing what to do anymore. I felt a bit twitchy and just felt like I had to hold something.

“Why don’t you hold this dick?” He said. Oh fuck I was thinking out loud.

“I mean shiiiiiit bruh pull it out. Unzip your dick or whatever.” Any hesitation I had before flew out the window. All I could think about was devouring his schlong. Haha. Schlong is a funny word. 

Vernum looked at me funny. “Unzip... my dick...?” he said as he stared at me. “I mean I can pull it out, but not unzip it.” He gave a small chuckle at the ridiculousness in what I said.

“Aww! Your smile is so cute!” I gushed and reached up to pinch his cheeks. 

“You’re ruining the mood. Should I whip it out or nah,” he huffed as I ruffled his hair. “Also stop touching my hair.

“Fine, fine. Whip it out and I’ll suck the soul out of you bruh.” My eyes felt heavy and my body relaxed as he finally got the hint and started unbuttoning his belt.

Maybe this won’t be so bad.


	2. We Got It Goin' On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vernum and his scrumdiddleyumptious cock go on a wild ride. Oh and Perlis is here now, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so cursed im SO sorry mom. i hope yall can handle this.

"Mmm, Vernum, I didn't know you had such a voluptuous and juicy ass! I could eat it like I'm a prisoner and it's my last meal." Y/n licked his lips, staring with greedy eyes as Vernum starts to undress and pull out his fat wiener. It was massive, causing y/n to take a sharp inhale in. Thank god y/n is a top or else this would be a problem. Though a new problem arises: how will he be able to devour this delectable meal?

As Vernum finally pulled his pants down all the way, y/n could now see the full length of Vernum's delicious shmeat. It seemed to almost roll out onto the floor- it was like he had the Mary Poppins Bag of pants. Or it was like his pants was another version of the Tardis, if you're a fuckin nerd. Either way, it was almost terrifying to think about stuffing his face with Vernum's manhood. Yet, at the same time, the thought was so tempting that y/n could do it right now with no build up. Which is probably what was going to happen if there wasn't a knock at the door.

"Vernum?" a muffled voice spoke from behind the door. "I wanted to come over and hang out! Can I come in?" 

"Shit, it's Perlis. Talk about bad timing," Vernum mumbled under his breath before turning his head towards the door with red, slanted eyes and yelling out for Perlis to wait for a second. Then as he started to stand and pull on his pants before he stopped halfway. Maybe it was the weed or maybe it was the ruined atmosphere between the two, but y/n and Vernum looked at each other with the same idea in mind. Maybe this cute boy could join in on the fun. It would definitely be easier to swallow Vernums gargantuan meat if there were two mouths instead of one.

Perlis knocked again, as if pulling the two out of their mental conversation between the two. "Hello? Are you coming or what?" He asked, still standing outside the front door. 

Vernum looked over towards y/n, a smirk on his face. No, his mouth was not in a smirk, but his eyes definitely were. Yup, it was definitely the weed. Instead of pulling on his pants or telling y/n to pull on his own, he strode over towards the door, his dick dragging behind him between his legs."Vernum! Are you sure about this? What if he doesn't want to and you just show him your giant mouth-watering cock for no reason? What if he gets scared off from the clap of your huge ass cheeks?" Y/n questioned, needing answers to the questions that were swirling around in his mind.

"Then oh well? Live life through experience, not regrets." Damn, that was deep, Vernum. Almost about as deep as y/n's dick will be in your ass later-

Vernum opened the door to the boy outside, his dick on full display. Maybe it was the weed, or that was just how Vernum was, but he had no shame in showing off his member. The confidence he exuded at that very moment made it seem as if he would be willing to show anyone, not just the two of them. It was very sexy. 

The man in the spotlight, the man of the hour, Perlis, seemed at a loss for words. You could practically see the gears in his mind working to process the sight before him, and the moment he finished processing, a heavy blush flooded his cheeks. He averted his eyes and looked away from the man in front of him, caught off guard from Vernum's insanely huge meat dragging behind him. "I-I'm sorry! I can come back later if you would like! I didn't mean to bother you!" He said, his voice cracking as he tried to get his nerves under control. He started to turn and walk away from the large house before a large, muscular hand grabbed his arm.

"I don't want you to go. Do you want to leave, or would you prefer to join us." Vernum's hand was still wrapped tightly around Perlis, but his grip had lessened. "I can let you go, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I suggest you take it. You trust me, don't you?"

"I agree! Join us!" Y/n called from the couch as he took off his shirt and faced the door. As he looked to the door, y/n could finally see the face related to the voice he heard and, damn, he was kinda cute. He had some of the fluffiest hair on his cute head and y/n couldn't wait to pull at it and hear him moan his name-

This isn't a Perlis x reader fic, so lets continue.

Perlis finally looked towards Vernum, and looked into the house towards y/n, a blush still very visible on his face. As he looked back and forth between Vernum and y/n, he seemed to finally make up his mind. "I-I mean," his voice cracked. He cleared his voice and continued. "Okay... I trust you..."

Vernum dragged Perlis inside as soon as those words left his mouth. "I knew you would make the right choice. Now, strip."

"W-wait! Slow down!-" Perlis was a blushing mess, not knowing what to do. The room still had a strong smell of weed, making his nose twitch. "Wait, Vernum... are you high? Who is this?" Perlis asked pointing towards y/n as Vernum was holding back from undressing him himself. 

Vernum grumbled at Perlis before rolling eyes. "Stop asking so many questions. Do you want to join or interrogate us?" He pushed Perlis towards the couch and he fell onto it with everything except grace. There were two tall non-humans about to have sex with the very human y/n.

It was heaven. Did he die and go to heaven? Maybe he was in heaven. This definitely felt like heaven.

Luckily, he was snapped back to reality as the couch dipped when Vernum sat next to him, his cock noticeably larger and much more erect. Curious as to why, y/n followed Vernum's gaze towards where Perlis was standing.

The cute boy slowly undressed, obviously very flustered at the thought of people watching him as he undressed. "Can you turn around? It's awkward if you watch me." Nervous was practically written all over his face. Vernum nodded and turned away, which surprised y/n with how he did it so fast without any defiance.

"I'll turn, but you can trust me, too. You don't have to be embarrassed around us." Y/n looked away like Perlis asked, and god, he's so cute. Like he's adorable. How does Vernum know someone as sweet as him?

"O...okay, you can turn around now..." he hesitated. The two turned around and took in he beautiful sight of Perlis, fully undressed and with a huge dong. It rivaled Vernum's in size. It was probably a species thing, but either way, y/n definitely felt intimidated by these two and their humongous sexcaliburs. It both terrified and excited y/n knowing that he had all night with these two

Y/n was eager to get started and finally suck the soul out of Vernum and maybe Perlis if he had the time. Hell, he had all day. 

"Well, Perlis, was it? Would you mind helping me suck the soul out of Vernum's cock? I think this would be much easier with your help." Y/n jested, giving Perlis a cheeky wink. This resulted in Perlis blushing harder than y/n thought was humanly possible. Well, he isn't a human, so I guess that makes sense.

Perlis shuffled over, fidgety and nervous. He sat next to y/n and they both faced a very relaxed and very hard Vernum. They looked at him straight in the dick and y/n couldn't help but lick his lips as he reached for his gargantuan cum gun. His fun stick seemed to almost call out to them as they both attacked it with such force that it almost scared Vernum. Almost. However, pleasure overtook the fear instantly and he couldn't help the moan that escaped his mouth. 

Both y/n and, surprisingly, Perlis devoured his tallywhacker, causing Vernum to experience a high he had never felt with weed. He felt as if he was on cloud nine, never wanting it to stop. It was almost embarassing how fast he came, but he did have two people on his dick. Two cute people, at that. However, they were not stopping there. Vernum turned his focus towards pleasuring Perlis, leaving his juicy ass on display for y/n to claim.

As soon as Vernum put his mouth around Perlis' trouser snake, he could feel y/n press his own beef whistle into him. He moaned onto Perlis' shaft, sending shivers down his spine as he clenched his fists on the couch or something, who cares. The main point is that he loved it.

Y/n was going to go soft on his sweet ass, but quickly through that idea out of the window when Vernum uncharacteristically thrust his thick ass into y/n's pork sword. This one action caused y/n to go ham on Vernum's ass, practically rocking him back and forth as he choked on Perlis. Damn, they were all having a great time. Almost like magic, or the writer stopped wanting to write, they all came simultaneously. 

Y/n slowly pulled his fat juicy goofy goober out of Vernums delectable ass and Vernum swallowed the loads of cum that came out of Perlis' yogurt hose. They heaved and huffed and laid together in a large heap on the couch. 

As they breathed in and out one thought crossed y/n's mind. This was gonna be a bitch to clean up.

\- 

It's been a few months since their sexcapade and Y/n still lived at Vernum's house and cleaned for him. The only difference is that now, Perlis comes over to visit more often. Oh, and Vernum had gained some weight. If y/n didn't know any better, he would think that Vernum was pregnant since all of the weight was only going towards his stomach and chest. In fact, it was oddly suspicious, but that was from y/n's perspective.

"Good morning Vernu- oh my god, are you okay!?" Y/n had walked in on Vernum throwing up this mornings breakfast in the bathroom. "Are you sick? What's going on?" He rushed over to pat Vernum's back, but Vernum responded with a glare.

"This is your fucking fault!" ...what? "It's all your fault! Get out!" Vernum was at the verge of tears before he started throwing up once again into the toilet. 

...was his breakfast this morning really that bad? Y/n thought he did a good job at making blueberry pancakes, just like Vernum requested. Vernum had been requesting very specific food recently, maybe that was adding to his recent weight gain. Y/n should apologize and get some tums medicine and water for Vernum.

He came back to the bathroom with a glass of water and a pill bottle to see Vernum crying and holding, almost cradling, his stomach. "I brought you some water. If it was the breakfast this morning, I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, I promise-"

"It wasn't the pancakes, idiot," Vernum cut him off. He gulped down the water and sighed, sitting back against the bathroom wall. He heaved out a heavy breath and fished something out of his pockets. "I bought this yesterday on a whim because I didn't know what was wrong with me." Vernum pulled out something that looked like a weird thermometer.

It was a positive pregnancy test.

And it was Vernums.

"A...Are you for real?" Y/n was in shock. But Vernum was a man? How could he be pregnant? How many months has it been? Is it his kid?

"I went to the doctor right after and they said I have a uterus in my ass. They also said there's more than just that one anomaly." Vernum handed y/n the empty glass of water before continuing. "They said I have both babies and eggs inside of me. Eggs. Fucking eggs. And theyre probably going to hatch soon." 

Y/n couldn't believe this. He was a father!

"Do they know how many of each? We have to think of names!" Y/n said, slight panic at the fact that he couldn't think of enough names for his future kids and egg kids.

Vernum stared at him in disbelief. "You're... not weirded out...?"

Now it was y/n's turn to look at Vernum weirdly. "Why should I? I always wanted kids, and I love you," he said matter-of-factly.

There was a slight silence between the two before Vernum chuckled. "Pfft, I knew you were a weird one," he said, love laced into his words. "Well, I guess we should tell Perlis that he's also gonna be a father of 2 kids and 2 eggs very soon."

"I think he'll love that."

-

Just like the doctor said, it wasn't long before Vernum had laid two beautiful eggs. They wrapped them up and kept them incubated, showering them with love and warmth.

As for the other two kids, it was a bit more of a challenge. One long night and a hospital visit later, Vernum's house now had two more people living in it. A little boy and a little girl were welcomed into the home with loving arms as all three of their dads cuddled and cooed, begging for a chance to hold the little children. Y/n was at the verge of tears with how much love he had for his two boyfriends, and his 4 lovely children.

He was going to marry these two or he would die trying.


	3. Vernum the Cosplayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have an unexpected guest!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we, as humans, were cursed with the morbid truth of conscious and unconscious thought. a rock, on the other hand, lives the life of luxury. they live carefree with no meaning or responsibilities. for this reason, and this reason alone, i am jealous of all rocks (including dwayne the rock johnson).

"Bye kiddos! Have fun at your sleepover at Suzie's house!" Y/n hollered as the door to the minivan shut, leaving him alone with his thoughts as he drove home. This weekend, he has free time without the kids, and he was gonna use it to the best of his abilities. He was so excited to come home to his two lovely boyfriends and relax all weekend.

Or, at least, that's what he thought.

As he pulled into the driveway, he saw the missing space that used to be Perlis' car. Not thinking too much of it, he walked inside. "Honey! Darling! I'm home!" he called in a cheerful voice.

The response was not one that he expected. "I'm in the bedroom!" Vernum's voice called from a few rooms over. Y/n rounded the corner to go into their bedroom, to come face to face with Vernum. Or, something that looked like Vernum. He definitely had the same face and body as Vernum, But his eyes were a deep red and his hair was a ghostly white. Vernum looked over to where y/n stood and smiled gleefully. "Hi Vernum, what's with the new look? Are you cosplaying as Zen from Mystic Messenger or something?"

Vernum gave a cheerful giggle before coming closer to where y/n stood. "Sure, something like that. So.. y/n..." he drew out y/n's name as he looked him over, as if drinking in how he looked. As if he was someone he had only heard about but had never seen, which was fuckin' weird.

"...Yeah...? What's up? Where's Perlis? I dropped the kids off at the sleepover, so we have the weekend to ourselves to finally take a break," y/n said the last part with exhaustion seeping into his words.

Vernum giggled once more before moving closer and picking up y/n's chin to look at him in the eyes. His eyes were looking into y/n with an emotion that could only be called mischief, which is something that y/n had never experienced with Vernum. "Perlis is at the store, but why don't we do something fun while we wait for him? I can help you..." Vernum looked him over once more, his eyes twinkling in excitement. "...relieve some stress."

Y/n melted into Vernum's hand and nodded. Y/n didn't know what had gotten into Vernum, maybe he was high or something, but he liked the new Vernum. He was kinda hot, in a weird way. Either way, Vernum dragged his boyfriend to the expensive bed that took up half of the space in the room and threw him onto it.

Having Vernum be so open with wanting to have sex seemed almost new to y/n. Since they've been raising the kids, that thought never even seemed to cross Vernum's mind, but it definitely crossed y/n's. Y/n had always held back, though, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. However, it had been so long that y/n soon started to give hints that he wanted to such him like a popsicle, but he never got a reaction out of Vernum. He was starting to get scared that Vernum couldn't get it up or something. Like he had erectile disfunction. 

But this was totally worth the wait. Y/n could wait for months as long as it meant Vernum would fucking destroy his insides. Yeah, y/n used to think he was a top, but have you seen Vernum? That man could look at you and have you begging him to call you his bitch.

Now that the writer has stopped simping for Vernum, we can finally get back to the story. White haired Vernum threw y/n onto the bed before climbing over him with a mischievous smile as his red eyes twinkled in delight. He leaned into y/n's ear, his breath tickling him slightly. "I can't wait to have some fun with you."

Once again, Vernum pulled out his phat, juicylicious meat spear and shoved it into y/n's face. "Go on, I know you want to. Suck the soul out of me." And damn, he was right.

Y/n went fuckin bonkers on that dick, completely forgetting that he, himself, was fully clothed. But he didn't care. He went ham on his sex pistol. The new Vernum was fucking loving it, absolutely living in the moment and doing stuff that people do when they get their pleasure pump sucked. 

Finally after like, idk, 14 minutes, he came and was breathing deeply. Y/n looked up, wanting to look into the eyes of the man he fell in love with, but he instead came face to face with New Vernum's face bloody and breathing heavily. It wasn't too bad, but it looked like he didn't even notice. Or, more accurately, he didn't care.

"So," Vernum spoke, looking down at y/n's shocked face, "ready for round two?" he smirked, clearly ignoring the blood pouring out of his face. But hey, if Vernum doesn't care, then neither does he.

"Bet." Y/n smiled up at Vernum before Vernum flipped them over and went to town on his ass like damn bruh calm down, y/n hasn;t even gotten undressed yet. Y/n finally got undressed somehow and Vernum still went feral on his ass. Even though Vernum was going to town of his ass, y/n took it like a champ. To be honest, he had been practicing to be able to fit his 4 ft long dong silver in his ass for when it was time. And it looked like Vernum fuckin LOVED it, because he was like an unstoppable force that would not rest.

Until they heard the front door open. It was Perlis! He could join y/n and New Vernum now that the kids are gone. But Vernum didn't even slow down as Perlis called out for them front the front door. "My loves! I'm home!"

Y/n was hardly in a state to talk, so he hoped Perlis would hear them and come in the room without an invitation. And just like he hoped, Perlis strutted in with a giant thing of toilet paper. "Hey I saw we were empty on toilet paper so I bought some- again? Damn it, Cetravus we haven't told him about you yet."

Who the fuck is Cetravus?

"Anyways, be safe. I'm gonna restock the bathrooms and go watch One Piece. Wash the sheets after you're done, I just cleaned them yesterday," Perlis said before leaving the room. 

Y/n was confused, but decided that he could ask questions later, you know, when he didn't have Vernum's king dong pounding his ass.

-

Finally after they were done, y/n could get a good look at Vernum's face and see that it was all bloody and swollen, as if he just got beat up. However, it looked like he didn't mind at all as he took deep breaths and looked up at the ceiling with a happy smile on his face, which was a rare sight. If y/n hadn't thrown his phone across the room, he would've taken a picture of him. It was ethereal, except for the blood covering his face.

"What is a Cetravus?" he finally asked as he leaned into Vernum's side.

"Me. Me is a Cetravus."

"????"

"Vernum hasn't told you, but I'm like a voice in his head that talks to him and sometimes takes over. Sometimes I take over Perlis. Who knows." He shrugged, as if what he said was completely normal. "You can tell when I take over because of the hair and eyes."

Y/n paused, thinking it over. So his boyfriend has DID. "So Vernum has DID and you're one of his alters?" He straight up asked, moving Vernum's jurassic pork out of the way so he could lay down comfortably.

"What? No- No I am not an alter or whatever the fuck you just said. I don't fuck with churches like that. I'm a real person in his head and I just kinda took over because I wanted to."

Y/n thought it over. Is he telling the truth? If so, that's fucking weird. He couldn't think straight since Perlis was loudly singing along with the One Piece opening that was playing in the next room. "Wait, why are you all bloody?"

"Oh, this?" he pointed to his face. "This is how I died haha."

What the fuck.

"So if what you're saying is true, this isn't a cosplay and you're an actual person.... Oh my god our kids have four dads..." y/n realized. Cetravus grinned and nodded.

"Now you're gettin' it!" he cheered.

Ah fuck, this is only gonna get more complicated from here.


	4. movie date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perlis and Vernum can finally have some alone-time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry but im totally flavor blasdted right now and i havent decided i am gonna post it tomorrow after reading it over and fixing it or if ill post it tonight when it is very not understandable.  
> i have the attention span of a fuckin sofa bruh  
> it took me 4 miniutes to typr that sentence

"Vernum! Vernum! Guess what?" said Perlis, coming into the room with his hands behind his back, hiding something.

What's up?" Vernum turned towards thedoor he came in. "Whatcha got there?"

Perlis smieed wider than he already was bwfoer pulling 2 movie tickets out. "I got the two of us tickets to watch a movie! No one Everyoone else is busy, so lets go togetehr!" he said, excitedly. 

"ok" vernum said before getting up to start grabbing his stuff to go to the theater.

"The movie is in like 2 hours, so you can sit down, silly," Perlis giggled.

"oh" Vernum sat back dow and continued to play roblox on his phone as Perlis left the room to go play splatoon.

After two long hours Perlis came and they left to go watch some sci-fi movie or something bevause perlius would totally watch sci-fi dude trust me i know he does.They watcged tge movie and held hands the whole time. This was a movie that Perlis was looking forward to, so his full attentioin was on the movie.

Vernum, however, couldn't give a shit about the movie. It's like he really planned on watching this, in fact, he didn;t know about this movie until Perlis mentioned it. He looked over to where Perlis was sitting. He watched as the blue and green lights bounced off of his face and how his eyes seemed to shine brighter as he smiled with such excitement, completely oblivious to Vernum's stare. Vernum would probably never admit it, but he was mesmerized by how angelic his husband looked in this very moment. 

Before he knew it, The movie had ended and he was sitting next to his husband as the credits rolled. Perlis was practically shivering as he started to gush about how good the movie was and how they "HAVE to watch it again sometime!". The pure happiness almost brought a tear to his eye. 

Vernum ate the last of their popcorn before standing up to leave.

"You're cute, you know that? I feel like I need to tell you that more often."

Perlis blushed, before laughing at himself for getting flustered. "Haha, what's up with you? You never say that out of the blue." He kept walking with his husband before Vernum stopped him, forcing Perlis to face him or smth like that.

"You know I mean it, right? I don't tell you that as much as I should. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen."

Perlis' breath got caught in his throat as he blushed. "Thank you, babe," He smiled and gave Vernum a quick kiss. "Lets go home for tonight." Perlis kissed Vernum's hand with a goofy smile before turning around and walking towards the car.

And somehow, Vernum knew that everything in life would be fine as long as Perlis would be with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god im so fuckin dizzy heehee


	5. Beach Episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beach episode beach episode beach episode beach episode beach episode beach episode

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i havent written in so long im so sorry

After months in quarantine and doing nothing at all, y/n and his family finally decided to go do something fun. As per the kids’ request, they all went on a trip to the beach. 

They were currently at Walmart buying swimsuits because they spent the rest of their money on their OnlyFans subscriptions. Just kidding, they’re jobless. 

“Ooooo, babe, this would look great on you,” Y/n said to Vernum somewhat joking while holding up a speedo that was 2 sizes too small for his husband. Vernum just looked at him funny before cracking a small smile, shaking his head, and looking through the racks of swimsuits. “I’m just sayin, it’s 50% off. We could totally get it.”

Vernum smacked the back of Y/n’s head, politely telling him to shut the fuck up. Y/n laughed before picking up plain ass swimsuit trunks and throwing them into the cart. He looked over towards his other husband, who was helping their children pick out swimsuits that were cute and within budget. In case you dont remember, they have 4 children. Two came out of eggs and the others were birthed. 

Perlis looked stressed as Jimothy (egg baby boy) wanted to wear a hoodie and jeans to the beach. Specifically to swim in. What kind of child wants to wear jeans in the ocean? 

Jamantha (egg baby girl), however, was reasonable enough to go for a Thrasher brand swimsuit. They found one in her size right next to a dora one, so at least she was covered. 

Jarold (birthed) was trying to choose between pink spiderman swim trunks or blue iron man swim trunks, since those were his two favorite superheroes. He ended up going with blue iron man because blue was his favorite color. 

Last, but not least, Jarlie (birthed) was sitting on a bench next to the shopping cart. She was staring at strangers who were walking past the aisle and making direct eye-contact. She was doing that thing where her eyelids were flipped inside out. She already had a swimsuit that fit her at home with mermaid scales on them, so she didn’t feel like getting a new one. 

Once all the kids got their swimsuits into the basket, Perlis found swim trunks with pineapples on them that were at a 40% discount and threw them on top of the others. Vernum finally settled with some pussy shit black trunks and a tank top with Kakashi on it. Y/n wheeled the cart to the checkout line and gave a polite smile to the teenager behind the counter. 

“Thank you for shopping at WalMart, your total is $35.17.” That was way cheaper than they expected, thank god. They paid and threw the clothes in the back seat before going home to change. 

(Don’t ask how Perlis and Vernum fit their 4 foot schlongs into their swim trunks because honestly I don’t know. If you can’t go on reading without knowing the answer, then they did it by folding up their dicks like origami swans before getting dressed. I hope this is a satisfactory answer.)

They quickly made it to the beach and started unpacking waters and towels as the kids jumped into the water. Well, except Jimothy, who just stood in the ankle-deep water and stared into the horizon with a forlorn expression, mumbling about how he wishes he was “over there”. Whatever that fuckin means. Jimothy pulled the hood over his head and pulled the strings before Jarlie tackled him from behind and held his head underwater and not letting him up for air. Ah, kids. 

“So, babe, darling, what do you want to do?” Y/n asked, turning towards his two sexy husbands. Vernum closed his eyes and breathed in the ocean breeze and Perlis started unpacking tools to build sandcastles. 

“How about a sandcastle contest?” Perlis asked. That sounded like fun to the other two, and they got to work building their castles. 

Y/n started off with a modest castle, digging a hole around it to make a moat. He found small shells and used them as windows and put a stick as the flag on top. there was also a hermit crab in front of the castle, but it fell into the moat. Feeling proud, Y/n looked over to see how his husbands were doing. 

Bruh. 

Vernum had made an entire sand city with a sand subway system and a sand kingdom. He had even put hermit crabs as the people and somehow dug out the buildings somewhat so the crabs could go inside. He had a hermit crab monarchy, and a town center with a hermit crab performer. And Vernum was still going at it. 

Perlis, however, was still trying to make the first pillar of his castle without it falling down. he had a giant mound of sand in the middle with a twig coming out of the top and a broken shell where Y/n imagines a door would he. However, the pillars kept crumbling, and Perlis kept trying to keep them up. Perlis was at the verge of tears. 

“I’m, uh, gonna go check on the kids real quick. I think I’m done with my castle,” Y/n said before getting up and dusting the sand off of his shorts. 

He looked into the ocean and saw Jamantha chasing the other three with a live fish in her hands. The other three were screaming and crying as they tried to swim and Jamantha could not stop laughing. They seem safe. 

After watching a while longer, Y/n went back to his husbands to see how the sandcastles were coming along. 

“How are you feeling, darling?” he asked Perlis as Perlis laid face down in the hot sand. 

“Pain.” 

“Understandable,” then he turned to Vernum who had added a working postal system to his city. “How about you, babe?” 

“I could do better but these crabs wont listen to me,” Vernum huffed, trying to tell a crab to get a job to help the economy and stop being a lazy asshole, which seems very hypocritical. 

Out of nowhere, all of their kids came rushing over to look at what their dads were doing. “WOAHHH CAN WE BE THE JUDGE OF WHOS IS THE BEST?!” Jarold yelled. His dads agreed and all 4 kids got to work scoring each castle. 

Y/n’s castle was first. “Dad, this is fucking boring. What kind of architectural design is this? Do you even have a degree? Fuck you, you’ll never make it in the castle design business.” 

“Language. And thank you for the feedback,” Y/n responded before the kids moved on to Perlis. 

“Wow, pops, this looks a-“ Jamantha started. 

“Don’t worry kids, you dont have to lie to me. It won’t hurt my feelings,” Perlis said with a sad smile. 

“I was gonna say this looks like shit. There’s no structure or foundation. This doesn’t even look like a castle. At least it looks unique, but thats all it has going for it. At least try and use water next time, dummy.” Perlis started sobbing and the kids moved on to the final castle. 

Vernum looked at them expectantly. “Well? What do you think?” 

The kids stared before coming to a mutual agreement. “Well,” Jarlie started, “This needs some work. It’s hard establishing a monarchy on a foot by foot plot of land. And if you look to the right, in the Kennedy household, you can see that they have no job and have no financial support whatsoever. Their aren’t any laws supporting equal rights, so we have to dock points. You do get extra points for the subway being rodent free, but you’re still in the negative. Honestly, why be in power if you don’t know how to lead and support your people. Overall score, -2/10. 4/10 for effort.” 

“I knew it. I need to be a better leader for my people.”

The four kids huddled together and whispered loudly amongst each other as they came up with a decision. 

“Ahem, ladies and gentlemen. I, Jimothy, will announce the results of this contest. With the only castle that does not have negative points, the winner is Perlis, with his unique castle. Perlis, please come up and accept your prize.”

Perlis looked up in shock. He wiped his tears away and walked to his kids. “I won? What’s the prize?” 

“The prize is this ziplock bag I found in the ocean. I hope you cherish it forever,” Jimothy said very seriously, handing over a plastic bag filled with ocean water. 

Perlis laughed and took the bag, patting his kid on the head before doing a victory dance, which looked like a mixture of the fortnite default dance and the tango. No one really knew what he was doing, but everyone laughed at how dumb it looked. 

They played games together as a family and buried Vernum under the sand up to his neck. The kids went swimming more and they held more contests all day until they had to go back home. 

This was the most fun their family had had in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Vernums cummie wummies uwu pwease gimme some sir :3


End file.
